They’re actually all around you. You can find 2-3 Jarps in any Panera booth anywhere, arguing with their hands and buzzing off 52 oz iced coffees. You can hear one if you listen closely, lobbying their D&B server to change ESPN to SNY for the bottom half of Mets vs. Phillies. You’ve likely learned to love one, as the crazy shit their brain produces will leave you ready for the moment, no matter how confused you might presently be.
Jarp stands for Just Average Righty Pitchers. In essence, Jarps are rabid sports fans that never picked back up the heart they left on the mound. They’re competitive, compassionate, washed-up athletes that could’ve played D1 if their HS coach didn’t care about politics. For a bit more context, consider these common cultural characteristics; Jarps idolized Randy Johnson’s big unit juice in Little Big League, always picked Pablo Sanchez first in Backyard Baseball, believed pitching like Tim Lincecum guaranteed a scholly, and sustained at least one labrum or rotator cuff tear in their otherwise very average and very over athletic careers.
The majority of diagnosed Jarps have one or two major career sports highlights (typically baseball if that isn’t obvious by now) keeping them hopeful that a new goal or a new edge is around the corner for them to chase. Anything goes here: sports betting, golf competency, eating challenges OR losing weight right in time for 3 nights in Tampa. Hungry for greatness, Jarps truly know how nice it feels just to win one for themselves and their team. Always more to come on this fascinating species of sports fans.
Get a jarp on your team today for maximum life entertainment, or take the quiz below to see if you or a loved one is a jarp!
